The Douglas News…March 13, 2009
”Serving our community when we have Time”

News Flash… We have had an official communication from the Civil Defense Coordinator of Douglas, they are sending out runners to those folks who have and haven’t been able to hide in the fallout shelters. They will leave bundles of Fallout Shelter Handbooks with instructions on every corner. We urge you to have one member of your shelter and one member only to leave your shelter and grab a book, there will be detailed guidance and information on how to survive the upcoming day, weeks or months ahead of all of us.

Here is a short list of what useful information is in the handbook, these are just a few suggestions,

1: Stockpile food, clothing, and all other necessities

2: Use ham radios, morse code or 2 campbells soup cans with a string between them to talk, if your being monitored, talk in Pig Latin, Dutch or the nudge nudge, wink wink code the English invented, it is much more confusing than human speech. They may be from outer space, but if any of their technology had a CEO like AIG, Goldman Sachs or Lehman Brothers, there is bound to be a cascading downfall in any or all of their systems.

If you get caught outside and there is an Alien in front of you, consider the following

1. Gather up sharp objects to use as a bludgeon, if you have a gun, shoot the slimy, stinky, fowl smelling, gum diseased Creature.

1a: Hit and run. It would work for a while at least, Remember, if they aliens are invading the planet, they have forces in the millions or billions and can easily divert them to a location that is resisting. Don’t pay attention to that little tidbit of information, don’t let it bother you one teeny weenie little bit.

2: Do a search and destroy and get as close as possible when you ambush then go melee and overpower them, watch out, they smell so bad, it is hard to get near them, imagine a dutch oven…no-you imagine a dutch oven, if you encounter an 8ft to 10 ft tall brute, use a sword (whatever-King Arthur here) or steel rebar to impale them.

3: Should you find them dead, strip them naked, laugh at their puny little extremities, are they male, are they female are they both-ugh. Then take all their guns and look at your enemy. Get an idea of what you are fighting.

4: Stockpile HE (High Explosive) like mad, pray they have not made armor that absorbs shock attacks or else you are SOL.

5: Get missiles off of any dead military units (sorry to say-our fighting forces have sustained a wee bit of a set back here) after the firing stops, let the aliens blow the bejesus out of the military then take missiles, use a missile like a single shot rifle.

6: The word "overkill" is null now, using 10 missiles to blow up 1 alien is no longer overkill, it is the attempt to survive.

6a: If you shoot an alien in the head, and it falls over, it's most likely dead, and you get to scream “That’s what I’m Talking about” and you can do something else too, say, shoot at his friends coming toward you...

7: When killing aliens: TAKE THEIR GUNS! A phaser is better than an M16 any day hands down. But on the other hand, if it has a tracking device, learn how to use that sucker real fast cause it will emit allot of power, you can zap them suckers but on the other hand, it will lead them right to you.

8: If nothing else works, bring out your kindergartner and have him sneeze on em, remember that bio-disease he brought home last year, could be the savior of the human race.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company is reporting from the a subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter deep underground underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel where we have a established a live connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.