The Douglas News…March 14, 2009
”Serving our community when we have Time”

The Duck N’ Cover Mobile will convey the message of Duck N’ Cover-it’s that simple. It is the suggested method of personal protection against the effects an unsightly, unexpected and unforeseen lightning bolt from an invading Space Alien that just might leave you without human form, not that you’ll remember what it was like in human form once you’ve been vaporized. You’ll either be at one with your maker, unless Yahweh is hiding too or you’ll be in the vast nothingness of the big light switch that just went out.

The City of Douglas Government has taught generations of elementary, middle and high school students the method of duck and cover or some of us like to say, “Run for the Hills”.

This Duck N’ Cover method will give you the alarm-hopefully ahead of time in the event of an unexpected, yes unexpected yet another Attack of Space Aliens, remember the tales we were all told by our grandfathers and our grandfathers were told by their grandfathers throughout the ages. You thought that was folklore that the Space Aliens could come at any time without warning. Awe grandpa-your just trying to scare me. (Are you scared now kid, just take a look at the Douglas Train Station) They told us that just Immediately after you see a big saucer shaped object that might have lightning bolts zapping everything around you, the dog, cat, your high school principal. You had to stop what you were doing and get on the ground under some cover or in an Alien Proof Bomb Shelter like the one the Mayor is hiding in right now. If one is not available, try the kitchen table, the basement (with your girlfriend or boyfriend, the end of the world scenario is a primo excuse to get some tail) and assume the fetal position, lying facedown and covering your head with your hands.

These instructions have been updated by the City of Douglas by the Civil Defense Coordinator with the help of the Inter-office Memo Collator. This document is Information Bulletin No. 6.9a and is part of the Protect and Survive Series.

The Civil Defense Coordinator agrees that thousands will be saved through this precaution, please do not run to windows to find the source of the Duck N’ Cover mobile. During this time even the slightest movement will cause one of their nasty little lightning bolts to cause a glass implosion possibly shredding you.

Similarly, if the Drop N’ Cover Driver looks to be only gym shoes that are smoldering, at that point you may be brave, get in the car and warn the others of their impending doom.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company is reporting from the a subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter deep underground underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel where we have a established a live connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.