The Douglas News…March 20, 2009
”Serving our community when we have Time”

News Flash…We are back broadcasting from our secret subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter, we won’t disclose where our new antenna is, but please if you are scrounging for canned food among the bombed and burned out houses, do not disconnect the cables running back to and underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel.

We have just received a photo from the Douglas Space Agency, thank the stars or maybe not. The brave of the bravest, the Douglas Astronaut Corps. Our young lads and lasses, who are risking their lives as we speak, have taken a picture from their secret location on the moon, (our moon, yes it’s our moon, it’s not like it’s in their back yard for god sake) of the gigantic Moon base the Aliens have established and yes it looks like another fleet of those abominable atrocious and deplorable stinky Space Aliens are on their way to do more immorally wrong things to our fair city. Folks this must be the place of residence from where they eat breakfast, go to the gym, watch movies with their buds, make space love, ugh-don’t want that visual, who cares anyway. This is where they are launching their attacks on our once beautiful city of Douglas. Don’t lose heart Fellow Douglians. As we speak, our secret Douglas Space Agency bazillion dollar inter-planetary blaster-lazer gun (that’s never been tested and hopefully built, we trusted those politicians who allocated all that money) will be bringing the war to them. Those offensive, putrid reeking and repugnant smelly creatures from outer space.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company is reporting from the a subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter deep underground underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel where we have a established a live connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.

The Douglas News...March 15,2009
”Serving our community when we have Time”

The Douglas Broadcasting COmpany is temporarily out of service, our antenna system that was disguised as White Pine trees was mistakenly cut down by refugees looking for firewood, we think, it could also have been cut down by Space Aliens disguised as refugees, we hope to have service up and running again by Thursday, March 19. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you and your families.

The Douglas News…March 14, 2009
”Serving our community when we have Time”

The Duck N’ Cover Mobile will convey the message of Duck N’ Cover-it’s that simple. It is the suggested method of personal protection against the effects an unsightly, unexpected and unforeseen lightning bolt from an invading Space Alien that just might leave you without human form, not that you’ll remember what it was like in human form once you’ve been vaporized. You’ll either be at one with your maker, unless Yahweh is hiding too or you’ll be in the vast nothingness of the big light switch that just went out.

The City of Douglas Government has taught generations of elementary, middle and high school students the method of duck and cover or some of us like to say, “Run for the Hills”.

This Duck N’ Cover method will give you the alarm-hopefully ahead of time in the event of an unexpected, yes unexpected yet another Attack of Space Aliens, remember the tales we were all told by our grandfathers and our grandfathers were told by their grandfathers throughout the ages. You thought that was folklore that the Space Aliens could come at any time without warning. Awe grandpa-your just trying to scare me. (Are you scared now kid, just take a look at the Douglas Train Station) They told us that just Immediately after you see a big saucer shaped object that might have lightning bolts zapping everything around you, the dog, cat, your high school principal. You had to stop what you were doing and get on the ground under some cover or in an Alien Proof Bomb Shelter like the one the Mayor is hiding in right now. If one is not available, try the kitchen table, the basement (with your girlfriend or boyfriend, the end of the world scenario is a primo excuse to get some tail) and assume the fetal position, lying facedown and covering your head with your hands.

These instructions have been updated by the City of Douglas by the Civil Defense Coordinator with the help of the Inter-office Memo Collator. This document is Information Bulletin No. 6.9a and is part of the Protect and Survive Series.

The Civil Defense Coordinator agrees that thousands will be saved through this precaution, please do not run to windows to find the source of the Duck N’ Cover mobile. During this time even the slightest movement will cause one of their nasty little lightning bolts to cause a glass implosion possibly shredding you.

Similarly, if the Drop N’ Cover Driver looks to be only gym shoes that are smoldering, at that point you may be brave, get in the car and warn the others of their impending doom.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company is reporting from the a subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter deep underground underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel where we have a established a live connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.

The Douglas News…March 13, 2009
”Serving our community when we have Time”

News Flash… We have had an official communication from the Civil Defense Coordinator of Douglas, they are sending out runners to those folks who have and haven’t been able to hide in the fallout shelters. They will leave bundles of Fallout Shelter Handbooks with instructions on every corner. We urge you to have one member of your shelter and one member only to leave your shelter and grab a book, there will be detailed guidance and information on how to survive the upcoming day, weeks or months ahead of all of us.

Here is a short list of what useful information is in the handbook, these are just a few suggestions,

1: Stockpile food, clothing, and all other necessities

2: Use ham radios, morse code or 2 campbells soup cans with a string between them to talk, if your being monitored, talk in Pig Latin, Dutch or the nudge nudge, wink wink code the English invented, it is much more confusing than human speech. They may be from outer space, but if any of their technology had a CEO like AIG, Goldman Sachs or Lehman Brothers, there is bound to be a cascading downfall in any or all of their systems.

If you get caught outside and there is an Alien in front of you, consider the following

1. Gather up sharp objects to use as a bludgeon, if you have a gun, shoot the slimy, stinky, fowl smelling, gum diseased Creature.

1a: Hit and run. It would work for a while at least, Remember, if they aliens are invading the planet, they have forces in the millions or billions and can easily divert them to a location that is resisting. Don’t pay attention to that little tidbit of information, don’t let it bother you one teeny weenie little bit.

2: Do a search and destroy and get as close as possible when you ambush then go melee and overpower them, watch out, they smell so bad, it is hard to get near them, imagine a dutch oven…no-you imagine a dutch oven, if you encounter an 8ft to 10 ft tall brute, use a sword (whatever-King Arthur here) or steel rebar to impale them.

3: Should you find them dead, strip them naked, laugh at their puny little extremities, are they male, are they female are they both-ugh. Then take all their guns and look at your enemy. Get an idea of what you are fighting.

4: Stockpile HE (High Explosive) like mad, pray they have not made armor that absorbs shock attacks or else you are SOL.

5: Get missiles off of any dead military units (sorry to say-our fighting forces have sustained a wee bit of a set back here) after the firing stops, let the aliens blow the bejesus out of the military then take missiles, use a missile like a single shot rifle.

6: The word "overkill" is null now, using 10 missiles to blow up 1 alien is no longer overkill, it is the attempt to survive.

6a: If you shoot an alien in the head, and it falls over, it's most likely dead, and you get to scream “That’s what I’m Talking about” and you can do something else too, say, shoot at his friends coming toward you...

7: When killing aliens: TAKE THEIR GUNS! A phaser is better than an M16 any day hands down. But on the other hand, if it has a tracking device, learn how to use that sucker real fast cause it will emit allot of power, you can zap them suckers but on the other hand, it will lead them right to you.

8: If nothing else works, bring out your kindergartner and have him sneeze on em, remember that bio-disease he brought home last year, could be the savior of the human race.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company is reporting from the a subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter deep underground underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel where we have a established a live connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company..August 4, 2009

The Douglas News…March 12, 2009
”Serving our community when we have Time”

Speech given by our Honorable Mayor to the citizens of Douglas.

We will defend to the death our native soil, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of our strength. Even though large tracts of the Village of Douglas and many old and stately homes have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Space Aliens and all the odious apparatus of their rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Saugatuck or Fennville, we shall fight on the Kalamazoo River and Lake Michigan, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend the Village of Douglas, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this village or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our second homes beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the Douglas Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the Village of Douglas, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company is reporting from the a subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter deep underground underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel where we have a established a live connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.

Douglas and Saugatuck, Michigan. August 1, 2009

The Douglas News…March 11, 2009

”Serving our community when we have Time”

Seems the smoke has cleared for the moment, we have ventured out of our Alien Proof Bomb Shelter underneath the Old Root beer Barrel. The devastation is mind-boggling. You can’t imagine what ruin those ugly smelly beings from the blackness that surround our planet have caused. The burned out blackened scars of the Douglas Train Station, skeletal girders are all that’s left of the once ornate art deco building born out of long forgotten stimulus package. Melted Steam engines are frozen to the tracks that once took the minions of Douglas to the four corners of the earth.

When you look downtown all you see is the hallowed out extinction of storefronts and the nearly complete obliteration of apartments that once housed a vibrant community full of life, gone are the songs and sounds of love, the sounds of young men serenading their women underneath balconies, the sights of confetti thrown during parades.

Is there hope for future generations of Douglian’s, this reporter thinks so, The Douglas Army has just started to take up defensive positions in some of the bombed out homes, farms and churches.

We have seen them in small groups going through our valiant village; there is no fear in their eyes, no dread or fright in their souls, no panic in their step. G-d Bless them and may we all live to take the fight spaceward.

The Douglas Broadcasting Company is reporting from the a subterranean Alien bomb proof shelter deep underground underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel where we have a established a live connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.

Douglas and Saugatuck, Michigan. July 31, 2009

The Douglas News…March 10, 2009

”Serving our community when we have Time”

News Flash, just in, a roving Douglas Broadcasting Company News reporter has sighted a wave of Alien Space ship headed toward Douglas over lake Michigan. Could this be an advance alien space fleet, until today folks, there has been just one ship terrorizing Douglas, Michigan, and just imagine the devastation that six saucers could do. Just today alone, untold numbers of local citizens were vaporized in downtown, the SS Keewatin is a charred out oil drum only good for a rib roast. Where are they headed, who will become diffused matter or something unsubstantial or transitory never to be materialized again in human form? The lake is still too frozen for the Douglas Navy to put up any fight, let’s hope that the Douglas Air Force or Artillery can put a good defense.

We are reporting live from our office hidden deep underground in our Alien bomb proof shelter underneath the Old Root Beer Barrel, where we have a established a connection and will continue to bring you live updates, casualty figures, firefighting and defense developments and the like as they become available to us.